Would it hurt?

For once, you know, I'd actually like to be asked to go with you guys.

"But you'll just say no."

And what if I actually want to go? What if I'd of said yes? How the hell would you know? You never ask me!

"But it's not your kind of scene."

How the hell would you know?! Just because I don't drink or "party" like you guys won't mean I won't enjoy it. I show it differently.

"You dont drink. You wont like the music."

No, I dont drink. But I enjoy peoples company and if they're drinking, the funnier and stupider they get. And how the hell would you know my music? Half my music tastes arn't on my iPod, you see. How would you know I wouldn't like it?

"But you don't have the money."

I do actually. I have enough money saved to be able to hang out, I don't spend it on random stuff. I just don't like asking for it.

Would it hurt to be asked to hang out once in a damn while?

Is it because you don't like me?

Is it because I'm not them?

Is it because I have responsibilities?

Would it hurt to actually be wanted?

-BlackSaphirax

Gone

I almost lost him.
I couldn't breathe.
My legs collapsed.
All I could think was "Ive lost him. What's left to live for? You've lost the only person who cares enough to love you unconditionally. I've lost him"
Taunting words. No breathe. Cold ground.
Gone. He was gone...
But he came back... Why did he come back? What am I worth?
Was it blackmail? Did he feel guilty? Why did he come back to me? I'm not worth it...
But he came back. I have him back.

What happens when you get me painting

Second best

My boyfriend got into Basingstoke college to do his game development course... Meaning I won't see him in the weeks as its a really demanding course... Why is it everytime he mentions it  get really sad? I mean, its not like I'll never see him... I just won't see him as much as I used to, is all.
But the thing is we've almost broken up twice cause of his obsessive need to be on the computer or technology... And this course, well, he'll never want to have fun with me...

I'm second best to his mac.

-blacksaphirax

Sin tutulo #1

Oliver.
Max, Adam.
Oliver, Brian.
Ty, Katie, Dan.

These people ruined my life over 4 years. Sexually abusing me. Groping me. These memories I can never forget, and have ruined my past for me. Ruined my present and recent future. All because they were selfish.

Now I have my boyfriend to give me reason to get help and deal with this.

He's the reason I'm still here.

- BlackSaphirax

Questions with no answers #6

Why should I be nervous? I'm here for help, not to be patronize. They're going to be nice, they should be nice... That's what happens right?

Right...?
-BlackSaphirax

Questions with no answers #5

Why is it that you can be surrounded by so many people and feel completely alone?
I'm sat listening to people whining about their weekends and their classes. It's grating on my nerves and add that to no music, and a shite night sleep as I had a panic attack before I passed out crying... I want Scarlette back. Why can't she come back?

- BlackSaphirax

Confessions of an overthinker #4

Why is that two people who love each other, can feel like two complete strangers?
We sit in this heavy silence which just makes me feel more alone than when I was without him... I love him, but why does it feel like we're just existing in the same room rather than actually spending time with each other? I put effort into it in the beginning and then just... give up because he's not bothering. It's like I'm just this permanent fixture in his life that he can pay attention to when he wants too. He's gunna argue if he ever saw this that that's not true, but right now that's how it feels. I showered, got dressed, came round his. And he hasn't been bothered to even try to get down to me.I asked him to bring my laptop down, which he's for over the day he "needed" it. He has had it for 2 weeks. That's 13 more days than agreed and he asked me to come up to him instead. Well, I try that, dear, but I always end up leaving for "just one more day".
Money. I lend him money to buy something, and I never see it again. I pay for our dates and I'm broke as. I understand that. I just sometimes wish I didn't always have to be the one funding a date that... I organised and asked for...
8 months. 8 months from buying me things to me wondering why he isn't paying me back...
Why is it that I feel like I'm being used...? Am I being used...?

Why would he say he loves me, and then never try to show it?

- BlackSaphirax

Confessions of an overthinker #3

This just seems to fit this blog, dontcha think?
-BlackSaphirax

Le sexual stuff #1

I really want a pair of these! ._.

-blacksaphirax

Confessions of an overthinker #2

I love how my boyfriend writes this on my leg. You see, I have bulimic tendencies and I have a habit of writing words on my leg, like fat or ugly or stupid or other things like that... And he saw them, and he looked... Disappointed, I guess...
After an hour, I just asked for something so I could wash it off, and he looked so happy. He grabbed a pen when the words he didn't believe in were gone and wrote this on my leg... It just makes me feel loved :) makes me feel beautiful.

-BlackSaphirax

It's sad because it's true...

Questions with no answers #4

There's always that one friend we worry about constantly...  And I always wonder whether the fact that I'm in a different country to her just makes it that much more difficult to make sure that she's okay... I always wonder if she's not telling me something really important, just like I don't tell her things, just because I don't have time to type it all down just to had a long conversation over it... Maybe she doesn't want to have the long conversation I don't like having...
But if we don't tell each other what's wrong then how are we gunna help each other? If we don't live in the same country, how are gunna try and sort it out when we do find out?
How can I help when I live in another country?!

- BlackSaphirax

Confessions of an overthinker #2

Getting help is hard enough as it is, but when it’s been with you for years… then the hardest to say, “Yeah… I’ve needed helped for a long while.”

But when someone is there, who loves you, holds your hand as you tell you story, smiles at you when you feel like you’re about to cry, and kisses you, telling you that you’ve done the best thing for yourself. And for them. So they can stop worrying about how tired you are or how much you’ve eaten. They can just focus on loving you, and you can focus on loving them back.

And they will be there. All the way through the pain and the suffering of just getting healthy.

And you love them even more, even though its practically impossible to love someone more than you already do <3

It’s all you need to have the strength to get help.

- BlackSaphirax -

Confessions of an overthinker #1

I hate having to leave. Whether it to go back to my parents house, or anywhere away from the person I want to be with… It sucks not being able to fall asleep with them, cuddle with them till the morning and just be safe within their arms.

But I guess, I wont know that feeling for a couple more years. I guess, I just wont know a night without my nightmares.

- BlackSaphirax -

This is why I love my boyfriend

I would never leave you, not for anything, not for money, not for video games, not for friends, not for food, not for my MacBook, not for the world, i am yours and you are mine, and I will always be yours, aslong as you can be mine :) xxx <3 I love you. Always x


- BlackSaphirax -

Questions with no answers #3

Those people you think are stable and are sane are always the ones to break… Or to change… or are just not there…

You see, sometime we just need stability and sometimes we just really dont get it. I sometimes wish for something stable, and normal, and is just what I need. I mean, sure I’ll work for it, but I just wish that it’s not all tears and tantrums. That sometimes they’re the ones to figure it out, rather than me spelling it out for them with words I’d rather not say outloud. Why cant they just know, you know?

Why cant things be simple?

- BlackSaphirax -

Question with no anwsers #2

Ever feel so alone, your brain just goes blank when you sit and think “Who will I not annoy if I called them right now, cause I need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. Who would want to sit and just talk to me? Who would want to give up their time to be bothered with me and my stupid problems?” and then you sit and try to keep breathing and not to cry as your body just sits and says “I dont want to be here anymore.” and then that little voice in your head agrees, “Me neither…”

Have you ever feel that alone, your body just cant be bothered to keep you alive anymore?

-BlackSaphirax

Nightmare of the days

Sometimes its like... Who can I talk too? Tom has his own life, megs never needs to hear my problems and sometimes I just wanna tell them... And to be.perfectly honest... No-one else bothers. So I'm alone and that's not the scariest part... It's that I really am afraid what my mind will come up with. Nightmares at night are enough arnt they? Why do I need them as I'm awake? I don't want to live in fear of what I think... I want to live and not be a zombie, trapped in my mind.
Guess that's not gunna happen, though... Guess some arnt that lucky...

-BlackSaphirax

Love, not like.

Recently we've had a family death... I love how I got this in the mail :) I love my family... I just wished I liked them at the same time.

-BlackSaphirax

Questions with no answers #1

If you know something is wrong and when you ask, they lie? Do you leave it or do you.keep asking because you love them...?

-BlackSaphirax